“I’m judging you” I said it straight to his face.
I was at the Christmas party, a group of 25 of us. He had walked in and we had casually chatted. Superficial words about life.
I didn’t walk up to him until right before I was about to leave.
I knew I wanted to clear up my stories about him.
Stories that weren’t mine. Things I had heard, things my friends had told me about him.
I was judging him based off of other peoples experiences of him.
___
“I’m judging you” I said it straight to his face.
He looked at me and said “OK”.
“I’m judging you, and I want to drop those judgements”
“Can we meet sometime so I can get to know you without my stories?” I said to him.
___
It’s one of the principles that Landmark taught me, these stories we weave in our minds about people and situations that have us act and show up in certain ways.
Stories that most often don’t exist outside of our own minds.
Stories that become epic tales that become truth that become our beliefs that become our way of seeing the world that become who we are.
I’m not interested in those stories anymore.
I’m clearing them out one by one as they bubble up from my subconscious having been stored so neatly in my judgements cubbyhole, so easy for me to see them all and pick out which one I want to play with today.
(ah yes, I remember now whyI don’t like that person, or how I have a thing against that person or why I don’t talk to that person because of what they did to them; sound familiar?)
Yep. We all have them.
I’m ready to clear out my cubbyhole to make space for the stories that actually do matter to me, the stories about how life is fully supporting me, how I have a purpose here and how I can be do or have anything I want. I want room for those.
___
I walked up to him as he was having a conversation with someone else. I sat right down in front of him and said, “I have a request”, “May I ask it?”
“Sure” he said.
“I’m judging you”
He looked at me and said “OK”.
“I’m judging you, and I want to drop those judgements”
“Can we meet sometime so I can get to know you without my stories?”
He paused for a moment.
“OK”, “How about this Saturday 4pm?”
“Done” I replied with a “thanks”.
“See you then.”
I walked away. It really was as simple as that.
__
When we met I was open.
I wanted to see, feel and hear who he was, without who I thought he was (notice the difference there?)
I didn’t have an agenda, I didn’t plan what I wanted to say or what to happen.
There were awkward silent moments where I was curiously excited as to what might happen next. I was giving him space to be himself.
I asked him questions about his life, his ideas on life and what he wanted.
I asked him if he had any questions for me.
We chatted, sat, drank ginger shots chased with moringa shots.
I allowed him to be him, and he allowed me to be me.
___
Now it might seem like an anticlimactic story.
But what I wanted to share with you was how easy this can be for you to do as well.
Choose someone in your life you are completely judging based off of someone else’s stories of them, or even your own stories of them
(they are wearing that, that must mean they are xyz, oh look at how they are acting, I don’t like people who act like that, I heard from xyz that xyzzy was doing that…)
You can even use my words when approaching them: “I’m judging you and I no longer want to judge you.”
And when you meet them think of these 4 principles;
1️⃣ Assume you know nothing about them (at all)
2️⃣ Welcome the moment and all it brings (not things from the past or what might happen in the future)
3️⃣ Reveal what is going on for you in the moment (it allows them to feel closer to you)
4️⃣ Own your experience (you also impact people, stop blaming others for how you are showing up)
You can do it. I believe in you.
xox
Nora
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