It was a pilgrimage of my own doing. It was all for me. I had to do it.
Every card I pulled, every person I asked and every sign was telling me this was what I was meant to do.
You see, I have a belief that I am not ‘safe’ when I travel alone. That traveling alone is ‘boring’. That something might happen to me, I may get anxiety and feel helpless, knees shaking, hands sweating and heart beating.
It’s one of the reasons I let myself live in Bali all of 2018, I wanted to feel settled, I wanted to feel free, I wanted to feel independent.
Yet, I realize now that I was totally co-dependant on anyone I could find especially when it came to traveling (cue those visa runs to Singapore).
November 17 was my 33rd birthday and my word for my birth year is COURAGE.
So after the failed events in Australia that I pulled out of in the beginning of December, I kinda knew (felt, was called to) head back to Australia alone.
I wanted to do Landmark Forum it was happening from the 14 - 18th December in Sydney, and I liked Sydney in any case (the beaches, the food, the relaxed vibe.)
I knew if I went to Sydney it would be me staying true to who I wanted to become, a woman who was FREE, confident, playful and in love with life. So you see, I just HAD to go.
I didn’t book my flight till 2 days before, I didn’t book any Airbnb’s until I booked my flight (well duh right?). I didn’t pay for Landmark until I booked my flight. I was holding off until the last minute.
I knew I needed support in all area’s of my life.
I went to a naturopath and did a live blood analysis to see if my body needed some support (it did, I was deficient in Vitamin B12 - so I got some high dose tablets for myself)
I called on my friends to form a support group on WhatsApp for me (I love you ladies! Thank you!)
I found an NLP master coach to help me mentally do the journey.
I called on my angels, guides, ancestors and anyone else who could be there for me.
My parents were totally there for me too.
I FELT fully supported.
(It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to ask your friends to be there for you. It’s ok to get external help from a therapist, counsellor or whoever you need)
The morning of my departure I made an altar, I haven’t made altars in true devotion in a while (see the feature photo of this post, it was the altar I made). This time I was serious, I needed the support, I needed to be there for myself. Flowers, tears, incense, photos, crystals, white robes and a deep meditation where I held little Nora and told here that I would be there for her always.
Off I flew to Sydney, heading to the airport (1.5 hr drive from Ubud) I was high and happy, the airport was an adventure playground and I was confident and smiling at everyone. It was a night flight so I just slept as much as I could. 6AM arrival in Sydney and I took an Uber to my morning photoshoot (yes I am cray cray but why the hell not? Straight off the plane into a photoshoot by the beach!)
I landed Thursday morning, Friday morning Landmark Forum was already starting, so I had only a day to get into my Airbnb and settle.
Landmark Forum was a bootcamp. It was a rollercoaster. We were in there from 9am till 10pm for three straight days. I won’t write much about what happens in Landmark Forum here (I don’t even know if I am allowed, but I will write a post about what I GOT personally from Landmark Forum).
Friday, Saturday, Sunday was Landmark Forum, Monday was a day off and Tuesday evening was a last 3 hour session.
On that Monday I had low level anxiety, I was meant to be planning for the rest of my trip in Australia, I had photoshoots in Bellengin and then in Byron Bay, possibly heading to NZ for a conscious NYE festival. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. My usual inner mind chatter was high..
"Should I do this or this?"
"What is right?”
As I usually do I talked to my close friends about what I should do (I am a projector in Human Design, that’s how we make decisions!) and I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to go home, home to Bali.
Although I could have easily continued my trip, I felt like I was complete in my pilgrimage. I had come alone to Sydney and done Landmark Forum. This was the original purpose of coming to Australia.
I didn’t feel like traveling more. I wanted to plan for 2019. I wanted to be around my friends, I wanted to stop ‘faffing’ around my life and really tune into who I want to be right here right now and then become that woman.
So I booked a flight back to Bali for the next day. I was in Sydney for a week. It was all I needed to embody who I wanted to be.
A courageous independant woman.
Now I am back in Bali I am so freaked grateful for my life here and my friends and the ease of everything.
This, this is home right now.
And I did it.
Another layer shedding in my beliefs that no longer serve me.