You are in a relationship. You’ve got this uneasy feeling that this isn’t right, but you are not sure why or what is going wrong.
You could be in a toxic masculine biased relationship. I’ve been there before. I had to extricate myself out of the relationship without trying to harm myself or my partner in the process (emotional harming I’m talking about!)
Toxic masculinity is a broad term used in society at large to define ideological masculine traits that are describing manhood based on aggression, violence, competition, and status.
It was made popular after Amy Aronson and Michael Kimmel used the term in their book “Men and Masculinities: A Social, Cultural, and Historical Encyclopaedia” Social media went wild and since then you can google ’toxic masculinity’ and find thousands of articles, video’s and content on this issue.
I’m going to be sharing 8 toxic masculine behaviours which I’ve experienced firsthand in my relationships. Now I’m super careful about going into any intimate relationship with a man if he exhibits any of these traits below.
I simply have no tolerance.
8 toxic masculine behaviours to watch out for in a relationship.
Lying.
Why would I want to be with a man who lies? Lying shows to me underlying insecurity around who the man thinks he can be in your presence. No matter if he lies about the time he went to play golf, or whether he did indeed write your mother that birthday card. Lying is a big no no for me as it means I can’t trust his word. What is a relationship if you can’t trust each other?
Aggression + Violence.
I am extremely non-violent, thanks in large to my upbringing in SE Asia where Buddhism was a big part of my life. If a man can’t control his anger (shouting at you?!) or has aggression in the form of physical violence (punching the wall), I shut down immediately. My fight or flight response kicks in and I just want to save myself and run away. Often aggression and violence is a mask for not looking at deeper emotions that quite possibly need to be addressed with a therapist. You are violent, I say goodbye quickly.
Emotional Abuse; blaming, shaming.
Emotional abuse can be subtle. I’ve experienced emotional abuse in the form of blaming and shaming before. It made me start to question whether indeed everything was my fault and if I was a bad person. Emotional abuse in my eyes means that the man isn’t ready to own his own faults. Don’t you want a strong independent man who can admit when he is wrong, so he can learn and grow from it?
Devaluing your opinion.
It’s the most annoying thing ever. Never being acknowledged that you do indeed know what you are talking about. It makes you feel less than and lowers your self-worth. You are a strong independent woman who has her whole life as an experience, why would your opinion not count? If your man says anything along the lines of: “I can’t believe you are going to go out looking like that” “I can’t believe you said that” “I deserve better than you” “You are worthless to me” “Your opinion doesn’t count because….”. If your man is making you feel less than, he is devaluing you!
The need to be right all the time.
The need to be right all the time most likely means you’ll have a lot of fights or then you are going to ‘dumb down’ in order to avoid said fights. If your man needs to be right all the time it means he isn’t open-minded to alternative possibilities. I wouldn’t want a man who is closed-minded, life after all is simply a perception of our own beliefs and values instilled in us from our experiences.
Not listening.
Nothing more frustrating than a man who just doesn’t listen. You are being ignored, your important desires and needs are being ignored, which means they will fester under your skin until you break out in anger. Not good for you or your relationship. A man who doesn’t listen is also dismissive of you in general, saying things like ’Not now, I’m busy’ and then never giving you an opportunity to say more later, ‘yes, yes yes’ just to keep you quiet and not being attentive (ie. playing on his phone or watching tv) when you are trying to talk to him.
Unhealthy competition.
Nothing is as unsexy to me as a man who believes I CAN DO IT BETTER. It means he is constantly competing against everyone else to one-up them. Trying to prove how much more of a man he is. That’s boring. I prefer humble men who want to uplift others not bring them down to show how much more amazing he is.
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Have you had experience with any of these toxic masculine behaviours in your relationship? The hard part is leaving the relationship once you do recognise these qualities. Often talking to your man isn’t enough as he may still beliefs that he is right or better than you and dismiss you. Leaving means you are holding your own values high and choosing YOU over anyone else.
I know it can be very hard once you come to realise, however, we can do hard things! Choose you always. You deserve to be in a loving, uplifting, amazing relationship.
xo
Nora
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